‘My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why I
Got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
And I can't see at all
And even if I could it'll all be gray
But your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad
It's not so bad At all” - Stan, by Eminem

I think of the friends who decided, on their own accord, to leave this world.

I think of my brother, the better genetic makeup, who looked up to me as I looked down on him. Now, as a broken brother, I look to a dash between the years of his short life to find meaning from him.

I think of science and research, and how much I relied on it to get me out of the perversion called childhood, and foster care and graduate education. I realize it was much more of the same.

I think of the colorless color of white, and the poisoned hue called black.

I think of the things that make my tea go cold, things that make life grey.

Somehow, I get to the same conclusion: it’s not so bad. Not so bad at all.

But I wonder how long it’ll hold. lol.

I’m at that point where I know, that when I reflect back on this life, the greatest good that ever happens, or the greatest hurt that ever happens, I’ll know it manifested from this moment. Right now. We all have a point like this.

A beautifully dangerous point to be at. A point where vices fail. A point where bible fails. A point where courage and toughness fails. That point. That point where Jonah failed to stand between life and death, tried to take death, and YHWH wouldn’t let em’. That point where hurt is happy, and happy is hurt.

Then I sip, and I think: it’s not so bad. Not so bad at all.

And then the rain sounds good again.