I buried my mom yesterday. R.I.P.
It's time to move forward. To focus. To focus on what's important. People. The love of them. To helping them. Communicating with them. Negotiating with them. Self-development for nurturing them. Focusing them.
I may have gained many, many things, which appear great in the eyes of man, but are as rubbish in the eyes of the one who quickens me to love people.
Somewhere, somehow, I lost my way. But it's ok!
There are few things in life worth having. Money, homes, cars, technology, and food aren't it. There was a point in there where Emerson, Allen, and Aurelius convinced me that 'I' was enough.
Love, purity, kindness, gracefulness, discipline, and diligence - these are worth having because they stretch into eternity. These then, should be or become my focus. These should be my treasures.
I seem to recall looking down this road before. I keep staring down this road, and I can see the glory of this road at the end. But I'm never willing to travel this road. I see the thorns, thistles, and patches.
It frightens me.
It frightens me when I'm faced with tough decisions.
It frightens me when I try to avoid confrontations.
It frightens me when I feel intimidated.
These thorns and thistles must hurt when they prick me!
When I see the mistakes that no one sees. When I do the things in secret that no one sees. When no one's watching. Those things I've focused on while traveling this road. I haven't taken the time to walk and pluck the lovely scented flowers.
To see the birds sing psalms.
To hear the river meet the lake's end.
That's what I missed. I see what I choose to see. And I choose to see falsely. I was attracted to the grandeur instead of the glory.
The ephemeral instead of the eternal.
The passions instead of the purity.
But now, I'm willing to walk. I'm willing to walk the woods instead of running with illusions.
On the road, I have lost sight of me. I've seen so, so many things. I've tasted so, so many berries. Oh, how bittersweet! I've become the path that I see! But - all I've seen is the appearance of love. All I've seen is the appearance of success - of discipline, of humility. Oh, how I chased it!
Now, I'll chase, ever so diligently, truth.
The funeral's over. For both of us.
I love, loved, and always love - you.
I didn't know you as I pleased to know you.
I didn't see you as I needed to imagine you.
I didn't hug you as I needed to need you.
I didn't find you as I diligently searched for you.
I didn't cherish you as I was taken away from you.
I didn't model you, as continually pictured you.
I didn't hurt you, as I often times needed the emotion from you.
I didn't get you, as I wanted to act like you.
I didn't cry to you, as I delighted my flesh in the image of you.
I didn't follow you, as I search for truths that cast a shadow of you.
I didn't know you, as a son ought to know you.
But I surely miss you, as my heart will forever cling to you.