Right There! That's where I lost God. That's Where I lost Him.
As long as I can remember, back the point of my plea for salvation, I have had a fear of being turned away from the point of entry into the kingdom of God. This point I'm referring to, is the point at which I made very small microdecisions to follow my own desires and tastes instead of following the desires and tastes of Christ.
As maturing Christians, we all have those points in our lives where we feel that God has abandoned us and where we feel we've been misunderstood by everyone we hold dear. Over time, it seems as if those periods turn into elipses, that continue into eternity. Eventually, this 'period' turns into something long lasting, and we try to figure out ways to circumvent the effects. And in the words of the songwriter Babyface, "Our feelings just aren't feelings anymore".
They take us beyond the protectory walls of the Christian faith, to the blind freedoms of demanding lusts, animalistic desire, and emotion filled passions for all the wrong things.
Our loins are exposed.
Instead of doing whatever our hand findeth to do, we go to sleep. Instead of meditating on the Lord, we meditate on the potential money we can make. Instead of focusing on humility and kindness, we focus on protecting our image and hurt someone in the process. Instead of looking away from temptation, we focus on the details. Instead of reading the bible, we check facebook, and send the snapchat message we're not suppose to send, and thank God it vanishes after 1 minute.
This is where we turn away.
This is where I turn away,
This is my greatest fear.
I fear that, in my human existence, in my quest for the optimal career, in the quest for family security, the quest for being the perfect dad, in the quest for pleasing everyone, and in my quest for pleasing all the right people, I'm going to loose sight of God. At every step, I move further away from Him, and closer to human security. At every step, I make a micro-decision that leads to carnal comfort, then to another micro-decision, which leads to war between the flesh and the spirit, which is won by the flesh, which leads to decision fatigue, which leads to depression, which then repeats over and over again.
And upon request for my passport into heaven, I fear the word of the Lord being, "Do you remember those points, where you had to make millions and millions of small microdecisions, the decisions no one else sees but me? Do you remember my son whispering to you "Be strong, gird your loins! Put on the whole armor of God! Lo, I am with you, even until the end!" Do you remember hearing those things. And do you remember ignoring him, just for the pleasure of 5 minutes? All of this prevented patience from having her perfect work. And of all the characteristics of love, patience is the first and foremost.
This is where you lost me.
This is where you left me.
This is why you can't be with me.
You don't Love me.
I think I understand why the philosopher, author, and professor James Allen stated, "The ideas you glorify in your mind, the visions you enthrone in your heart, this is what you are, and this is what you will become.
Simply put, you don't become who you are by what you do. What you do becomes who you are.