I thank God for another day.
(written while sitting in complete silence)
As I reflect on Emerson's essay on Self-Reliance, I think about my potential as my Father in Heaven has given it to me. Last night, I went out to get Atlas something to drink. While I drove, I thought about the fact that, for the last 7 or so years of my life, I have spent most of the time putting myself down. And here I was thinking I was showing humility. Lowliness. Ah, no! To disbelieve in my own ability is to disbelieve YHWH. I've spent a considerable amount of time just wondering and thinking, wondering and thinking about what I can do to make myself better. For what? Why? I've read time and time again " Two people water the flower, but only YHWH can nurture it and bring the increase". Do I really believe that? I'd like to think so, but that's not what my actions are suggesting. My actions suggest that I have total control over everything.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
But it's ok, because I'm writing about it now, just like I'm writing about my reflections on Emerson. So I am aware of two things:
- My thoughts are my own. Removing the ideas and opinions of others and thinking for myself is paramount to life.
- God provides, waters, and brings to completion, all things.
Do I truly believe in these two things? My actions tell on me. The current generation in which I live is full of energy. Full of this 'passion' to find themselves. Full of potential energy to discover new worlds, manipulate DNA, print objects in 3-D, expose the thoughts of man known, change the way we discover and learn new things, break old scientific notions and barriers, slow the aging process, and many other things. This is where I live now. Have I become a victim of the generation, or, have I adapted and found my way within these times? As I type away on this keyboard, and think about how we ask students to submit work in a college setting, and combine that with my thought of reading somewhere, that typing doesn't give one's mind a chance to process his thoughts...
I've been trying to do many, many different things over the last five years, most of which haven't reached completion. What does that say about me? Focus? Diligence? Prudence? Patience? Yes, I need more work. We all do. But over the last 5 years, I've completed a terminal degree (something black men just don't do), taught a number of students across 4-5 different specialities at 3 different universities, published a few papers, written many blogposts, drafted two books, taught Sunday school, raised a child, sustained a marriage, coached kids, and somehow, sustained myself - all with the help of God. I'd never brag on myself, but YHWH is amazing, and has shown me much grace and mercy to be able to do these things! Guess what? The sky hasn't fallen! But I feel like most days, in the heat of the moment.
And one day, it's actually gonna fall.
One day, it will! And in my heart and mind, that's what should matter the most.
So, this world of 'i-me', off-setting death, profiting without working, sharing everything, and moral goodness for the sake of good vibes will continue on. Perhaps it'll be more detailed and more critical. It doesn't matter what'll happen with the world. YHWH suspended us between past and future, neither of which I'm controlling at and point in my life.
But if I stay true to myself and keep my eyes on the sky and wait for it to fall...
I'll be just fine.